Biblical Satire News Article of the Day

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Context of Philippians 4:13 Officially Abandoned

ATLANTA, GA—According to multiple sources, Evangelicals across the nation have quietly confirmed that the one thing Christ will not strengthen them to do is understand the context of Philippians 4:13. As of Friday it has officially been abandoned.

“At best, we can say it has something to do with the other things the Apostle Paul says in Philippians 4,” born-again Christian Richard McPhee told reporters. “Exactly what those things are, I don’t really know; I’m not a scholar. I’m just a man with a Bible, trying to do what it tells me. Don’t put this on me.”

“Seems pretty clear cut,” shrugged local Christian Dan Jeffries. “‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’—that’s it.” Pressed to define “all things,” Jeffries laughed nervously. “Come on, it’s obvious. It means, like, what I want to do. The other day it was 225 on the bench, and I nailed it. God is so good!”

Full BabylonBee.com Article

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Bag of Randomness for Wednesday, April 6, 2016

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  • I finally repaired our oven. The cooling fan for the control panel would start to whine and it was easily “fixed” by just hitting it like The Fonz used to do to turn on a jukebox, but after a while, the power of The Fonz started to fade so I ordered a replacement fan. The fan in question must have felt intimidated and started to work fine again for about two months so I just put off replacing it until it started whining again last week. The repair would have cost about $300 if someone came over to do it, but I did it myself and the part cost only about $80 on eBay and my labor is cheap.
  • One of my neighbors got on the Rangers jumbotron on opening day. The next day Knoxie interviewed him. If this keeps up, he’ll be GM by the end of the season.
  • While watching ‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ on ABC last night, it was abruptly interrupted with breaking news. All they said was that Ted Cruz won Wisconsin with 5% of the votes being reported. I believe Cruz was forecasted to win, so that’s hardly breaking news, especially to interrupted a show. They then returned to the show but started it a few moments before the interruption. One reason I like superhero stuff is that it’s a break from reality, and here they pull me right back into it.
  • Mental Floss – Is It Illegal to Fake Your Own Death?‏ – Pseudocide—faking your own death—is not technically illegal. However, to fake your own death, you’d most likely need to break several laws.
  • 9-year-old reporter breaks crime news, posts videos, fires back at critics
  • It’s almost like owning your own magazine with you always being on the cover, but not quite – Taylor Swift to receive first-ever Taylor Swift Award
  • George Mason tweaks name of Scalia law school to avoid ‘Ass’ acronym – The Virginia college announced on Thursday that the school’s new name would be the Antonin Scalia School of Law at George Mason University. The name change spurred a fair amount of ridicule accompanied by the hashtag #ASSLaw on Twitter. The official name remains the Antonin Scalia School of Law, although the school’s website and marketing materials have recently been tweaked to the Antonin Scalia Law School, according to the Wall Street Journal.
  • I caught the HBO ‘VICE’ segment about restoring eyesight to cataract sufferers in Ethiopia. Each “kit” to perform the surgery, which takes only about five minutes and requires no stitches with a 24-hour recovery period, costs less than twenty bucks. It was amazing to see the patients’ reactions after the bandages were removed. I, thankfully, will probably never experience such an amount of relief in my life. I can only imagine what it must be like to have something you take for granted every day, think it’s forever lost, and then have it gifted back.
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