1. Don’t worry, your dad didn’t know what he was doing, either.
2. No, no–not that Spock!
3. Second thought, maybe you should worry.
4. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are “trying.”
We really don’t need the visual, that’s why.
5. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.
6. Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.
7. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.
Then, a referee.
And finally, a bank.
8. If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many pediatricians don’t bother to use one.
The anesthetic is for the kid.