BagOfNothing.com

Me, trying to throw a football as far as I can, two days before anterior cervical discectomy and fusion (ACDF) surgery. Six months from now, “How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?”

I’ll admit it, I’m scared, but I don’t want to continue living life like this. And, if I don’t take care of this now, it’s going to get worst and I’ll have permanent paralysis. The good news is I have the best neurosurgeon in the Dallas and this is his second most common surgery. I pray he gets a good night’s sleep tomorrow night. I expect to make a full recovery. Right now, I can’t feel me left hand. As a matter of fact, when holding my phone yesterday, I wondered what I was feeling with my right hand, which is also very numb. It turns out it was my thumb. It’s weird being able to feel with one hand and touching the hand you can’t feel with, it’s odd and hard to describe. I wrote most of this post using speech-to-text.

Of course, recovery will be a challenge Heck, the entire year has been challenging, but it’s an excellent opportunity to work on dealing with adversity and building up resilience. You don’t learn those things any other way than going over troubled waters. That’s much easier said than done. It’s a bit freaky thinking how the surgeon will go through my throat, move my esophagus over, and then remove and replace parts of my vertebra. Funny story, when I was researching videos of the surgery, it amazed me at how rough the doctor was treating the patient and didn’t understand why certain sanitary measures weren’t used. It wasn’t until 20-minutes into the video that he mentioned he was working on a cadaver.

Maybe I’ll post some video updates when I’m on my pain medication. That should be fun. I think I’m most worried about the emotional part of it all, like waking up from surgery and not having any family there and then not seeing my kids for 11 straight nights since my ex-wife has possession of them. And going through my first holiday season as a divorced dad is going to be awkward. The word “alone” keeps haunting me. I hope 2022 will be a better year. There’s also a cabin fever aspect I’m concerned about as I’m not supposed to drive for a while.

I often tell my kids it’s not what happens in life that matters, it’s how you respond. Again, that’s much easier said than done. It’s a long path up ahead and it’s all unchartered. I don’t have a map or compass, just my faith, which doesn’t feel all that tangible at the moment. But no matter how tough I may feel I have it, I know someone out there would switch spots with me in a second. Having that perspective helps. I’m not used to asking for help, it’s awkward and hard. I’ve always prided myself on independence and was the person doing the helping, not the one who was being helped. Thankfully, there’s a U2 song to help me learn that lesson. I’m also thankful my church has set up a Lots A Helping Hands page to meet any needs I ask to be filled. I just need to feel comfortable asking and accepting being ministered to. Never did I imagine I’d be doing all this alone. I can’t help but wonder what things will be like when/if I become old and near death.

Next Friday, right around lunchtime, I’ll be in the middle of an anterior cervical discectomy and fusion (ACDF) surgery. Hopefully, it will cure my loss of fine motor skills, strength, coordination, and balance. The symptoms have progressed faster than expected. I now walk around with a cane (I have my good and bad days/moments) and typing and writing are difficult. I’ll be honest, I’m a little freaked out and ponder how my 46-year-old-body is so banged up. Here’s a four-minute video of me trying to volley with DaughterGeeding. Even though my fingertips are numb and can barely lift my arms above my head, playing with my kids brings a smile to my face.

What else brought a smile to my face? DaughterGeeding memorized my favorite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling. I should recite it daily to get me through this purgatory.

For you married couples, whether you were the bride or groom, at your wedding, did you make eye contact when the bride entered the room or walked down the aisle?

— BagOfNothing (@bagofnothing) December 2, 2021

I’m still waiting on the judge to sign the final divorce decree, but there’s been a new development regarding my health. For the past month or so, I’ve been progressively losing my fine motor skills, strength, coordination and there has been a change in the way I walk. After four MRIs and a visit to the neurosurgeon who performed my spinal fusion almost three years ago, it was determined I need to have cervical spondylotic myelopathy surgery. In short, it’s neck surgery to alleviate a spinal fluid leak and fuse some vertebrates and to make room to take the pressure off my spinal cord. Putting surgery off too long can lead to permanent nerve damage and eventual paralysis. There are three areas of concern, but only two need to be surgically addressed.

The severeness of my symptoms ranges throughout the day. There are times in which I can’t throw a ball to BoyGeeding, and then there are times I can do so, but with much difficulty and little strength. When I try to run, my brain tells my legs to move, but they don’t or slow in responding, and I end up falling. Sometimes typing, writing, and using food utensils are very challenging, but at times it’s not too bad, and I think I can tolerate life like this. However, my neurosurgeon has stressed this surgery needs to be a priority in my life. He’s going to have to go through my throat but said he can hide the scare well using a natural crease. I’m told I’ll have a really sore throat for a few days after surgery.

It’s been challenging working with the mother of my children since our separation back in February, even on what I think are the simplist of issues, so I’ve scheduled my surgery during the extended period in which I won’t have the children for Christmas break to avoid any scheduling or possession swapping conflicts. With no family to rely on, I’m going to have to depend on my church and a few select friends to take me to and from the hospital and to help me during the recovery process. It will suck waking up from surgery and not seeing any loved ones or have them visit, but c’est la vie. It’s an excellent opportunity to work on dealing with adversity, as if losing my wife, family, house, and going through a major job change this year wasn’t enough.

The positives:

• I have the best neurosurgeon in the Dallas and he accepts my insurance. He’s the  Chief of the department of Neurological Surgery at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, and you’ll see him on the sidelines during Cowboys games in a red cap as he leads the concussion protocol medical team. You’ll see on his website he’s Roger Staubach (and for you evangelicals) and Matt Chandler endorsed.
• This is his second most common surgery.
• It’s the same exact procedure Peyton Manning had done except I’m getting an additional vertebra fused. He’s also performed the surgery on a certain Fox Sports personality who used to play for the Cowboys. I can’t identify the scares on their throats, so hopefully you won’t see mine once I’m healed.
• I should only have one overnight stay in the hospital.
• When it’s my turn to have possession of the kids, I will have recovered enough to drive and do some light activities with them.
• Once the judge signs the divorce decree, I’ll blog, but it won’t be consistent, as it will just depend on how well I’m able to type that day. Right now, it’s been a lot of hunting and pecking with my index fingers, which is a little tiring.