I don’t know if it’s the Monday blues, but depression was getting the best of me yesterday. I caught myself longing for the days in which I was a husband preparing dinner for all of us to eat together. In all, I guess I miss having a best friend. I also guess some of it had to do with what I thought was a potential relationship. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction. All the right things were being said. There was occasional body contact, then radio silence. I got my hopes up and then they were flushed down the toilet. I also think a lot of it has to deal with my surgery next week. It’s one thing to go into such a thing knowing you have someone there for you in sickness and in health, and another knowing you are basically doing it all on your own. It’s a feeling of loneliness, of isolation. Perhaps it’s the fear of accepting my best days are behind me. I mean, could my life be better being married with two great kids in our own house and be able to save for college? Maybe another part of it is just being in constant discomfort with my back, never able to get into a comfortable position, even laying down. Something also triggered my PTSD, I just couldn’t shake the emotions, feelings, and thoughts of my kids being kept from me and not knowing the next time I would see or talk with them.
I’ve bought some wall art with inspirational quotes to try to perk myself up. I also bought a new couch just to change things up a bit and rid myself of some old memories. The couch arrives tomorrow. It’s still weird making a “major” purchase alone without any consult.
Several of you have been kind enough to reach out by sending thoughtful emails. You have no idea how much I needed to read those words. The timing was just right. I’m working on replies. Some days, like today, it’s really hard to put together something for y’all. But I force myself, it’s a bit therapeutic and gets my mind off wishing for the end to come.
I’ve been working from home for about 13 years and I embraced the isolation. Now, I dread it and dream of daily human interaction. I’m scared of changing jobs. My grass may not be greener, but I know everything that goes into making it green, I don’t know what makes my other yards green. There’s a part of me that wants to make more money, but I think I want to find something that makes me happy. The problem is monthly income. I have to come up with $2,100 to pay rent for my tiny cruddy rent house and $1,600 for child support.
DaughterGeeding has a softball game in Fort Worth this evening. I have to drive to Dallas to get my laptop worked on. I won’t have enough time to charge my car to make the drive to Cowtown, so I’m forced to rent a car. Sometimes I think I should just buy a new car, but I don’t like having a car payment. It seems like I have to rent a car three or four times a year, which would be the equivalent of a single car payment.
DaughterGeeding had the best night of her life at the Taylor Swift concert. I’m happy for her, but jealous the best night of her life was spent with her mother. While it’s not a competition, there’s no topping a Taylor Swift concert.
Just a random and special shout-out to longtime readers Cowtown Doug, Bryan B., Bizzarro BigTex, Ricardo Perry, and the man patrolling the streets of Mineral Wells.
A new survey, drawing notice in academia, shows that 1 in 4 applicants decided against applying to a college this year solely because of the politics in its state.
