I think of my ex as Luke does Darth Vader. I believe she still has good in her, but she does everything she can to prove me wrong. Here’s the latest:
Our daughter recently told me when she was at her grandparents’ house for the holidays, her aunt (my ex’s sister) told her and her brother I physically assaulted my wife. That is 100% not true and was never brought up in any of our divorce proceedings or paperwork. I contacted my ex using the communication application the court requires us to contact each other regarding issues relating to our children. I told her what our daughter told me and asked if she has told anyone that I have physically hurt her, would she make sure her family no longer degrades me directly to our children, and to that either she or her sister needs to speak to our children about the miscommunication and ensure them their father isn’t a wife beater.
The app tells me when she read it, but it took her a long time to reply. That’s because even though the divorce is past us and she’s a 43-year-old woman, she has to run everything by her mother and lawyer first. Her reply was a very short sentence, “I have never told anyone that you physically harmed me.” I reply thanking her for her answer, but stated her answer didn’t address why her sister told our children I physically assaulted her and to please answer my two remaining questions, would she speak to her family to make sure they no longer degrade me to or in front of our children, and if she or her sister would speak to our children about the “miscommunication” to ensure them their father isn’t a wife beater, stressing that I think it’s in the children’s best interest to know their father does not hurt women. She never responded.
The next time I see her, I tell her that the divorce decree states I can have a “meaningful conference” regarding an issue relating to our children, and her refusal to reply to my now two follow-up emails is not granting me what she legally signed she would do. She told me that she did answer by two other questions with her little reply, “I have never told anyone that you physically harmed me.” I then tried to politely explain to her that stating she has never told anyone I hurt her doesn’t tell me if she will ensure her family not speak ill of their father and if she or her sister would talk to the kids about the “miscommunication” so they will know their father isn’t a wife beater. She refuses to speak to her family about it and ended the conversation as she and our daughter were late for a counseling appointment (they ain’t getting along at all since the divorce).
She has extreme difficulty talking to her family about anything that could be construed as negative. She always prioritized her status with them and her feelings above me and our marriage. Here’s a perfect example. When she was pregnant with our son, we decided to name his Walter to carry on that name on my side of the family. That name has been used either as a first or middle name for about five generations. However, her brother and brother-in-law once saw a commercial when they were young in which that name was used. When they greet each other, they call each other “Walt” in a playful way. My concern was that if they continued to do this around our son, because they’ve been doing it forever and there was no signs of it stopping, and as he grows up around them, our boy may think his name was being made fun of. Our son is going to get the opportunity to actually meet her mother and father, and he will never be able to speak to my mother and father since they have long been deceased. I wanted to honor my father’s legacy and the importance of that name to my family, and that when we speak about family, our children understand that family doesn’t just mean her side. I asked if she could simply call her brother and brother-in-law, and ask them when our son is around, not to do the joke. She couldn’t do it. I told her I could, but it would be better for her to do it since it’s her family and she knows them better. She just couldn’t do it, and cried excessively. I’m sure part of that was pregnancy hormones, but for her to refuse to do a little thing like that was reminded me how she prioritized her family over me.
I followed up with her on the phone on Sunday after she called about another concern. Her first question was if we could put a time-limit on topic. Again, she told me that one sentence answers all my questions and I again try to explain how it does. It’s like saying 2+2=Blue, that her reply is an answer and may have answered one particular question, but it doesn’t address her asking her family not to speak ill of our children’s father in front of them and if she or her sister would looking into the “miscommunication” and ensure the kids their father does not hit women. Her answer, “The divorce decree doesn’t require me to do that.” I told her that the divorce decree doesn’t tell us every single thing we are required to do, and that this was just a request, because I believe it’s in our children’s best interest for their father not to be spoken ill of by her family and to know he doesn’t hurt women. I didn’t know how to explain to her that it’s just the moral thing to do, and I do what I can to have our children continue to love and respect her. She wouldn’t budge and suggestion I contact her sister myself. I’d rather not speak to the people who kept our children from having any contact with their father.
When I say my children not having any contact with me, remember when my wife pulled the kids out of school before lunch and arrived at her childhood home in East Texas the day before the big freeze, her mother sent me a text that I could only contact my wife via text through her, and if I show up on their property, they would call the police. Four nights have passed without me hearing from my wife or son or daughter. Then I get another text which tells me I can have a monitored five-minute conversation with my son on his ninth birthday, and if the call goes well, I may be able to speak to them again later that night. I was so scared and eager to speak to my kids. I missed them so much and that are literally my only family. Not wanting to mess anything up with the call, so I can get an additional call that evening, I actually wrote a script of things to ask and tell them. When the call happened, I was only expecting to speak to my son, but surprisingly, my daughter chimed in and wanted to talk to her dad. I tried speaking to her but wanted to talk to the birthday boy, and he rambled and the call went ten seconds after five minutes. After the call ended, I immediately text my mother-in-law and apologize it went over but I didn’t want to abruptly cut off my son from speaking to his dad for the first time in four nights and was pleasantly surprised my daughter got in on the call. I told her I hoped those ten seconds won’t hurt my chances of speaking to my son and daughter later that evening. She never replied, and I didn’t get to speak to them again until we exchanged the kids at a gas station.
Two months earlier, for Christmas, our children received new iPads for each of them. When my wife left me on Feb 12, her mother bought our children two new iPads and created new accounts and passwords for them as another way to withhold me from contacting them, even by iMessage.
The only reason I got to spend time with the kids after another four straight nights of zero contact was because I hired a lawyer. So now we were communicating through our attorneys.
She had three requirements if I wanted the kids to have an overnight stay with me. First, my wife’s sister would do the exchange at the Buccee’s in East Texas. Remember, my wife took my gas-powered SUV and left me with the electric car with a range of only about 72 miles. She required this, knowing I don’t have a vehicle that can make it there and back without charging somewhere for three hours. The second requirement was that an adult be there to supervise my time with our own children. So the day before she left me, she felt it was okay for them to stay alone with me when I picked them up from school, but now an adult needs to be present despite me never harming them or her? Thankfully, my friend Jimi volunteered to drive me there to pick them up, stay an additional night with me, and then drive all of us back.
She had all the leverage, she had the kids. As silly as I thought and as much as I hated it, I had to cater to them just so I can spend time with my children.
The children had no idea they were going to see me during their hour long drive from their grandparents’ house.
I hope none of you will ever know what it feels like to be separated from your kids and then cry into each other’s hug when you all reunited from being forcibly separated.
When we arrived at Buccee’s, we texted we were in the same parking area my wife and I exchanged the children with her sister the previous weekend. They would only do the exchange inside the store because they wanted video cameras and people around in case I cause a scene. That was insane of them. So, we had to lug a child’s car seat inside the store when I picked them up and dropped them off.
All of this just seemed too extreme considering we’ve been married for 17-years, never had a single counseling session together and this was her first move, and there’s been no physical abuse by or on anyone. Sure, divorce me, but let’s not be so nasty and costly about it. No need to use the children like this. She’s scared them for life, and she has no idea the trust she’s lost from them.
Even though our children haven’t seen their father or been back in their own home for over a week, that evening my wife texts me wanting to get the username and passwords to some of our online financial account. After her separating me from our children, I didn’t want to take any time out of this visitation and give it to her.
