It’s been a while. I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m doing so well. Recently, I had some sort of breakdown. I don’t know what qualifies for a legitimate breakdown, but for about three hours, I bawled on and off. It was rather strange, and I’m still bewildered by the entire experience. The moment I thought it was going to be over, it just started again and I couldn’t control it. I wanted to crawl on the floor and lay in the fetal position, but I couldn’t bring myself to change from how I had already positioned myself sitting on the bed, despite it hurting my back. I can’t remember if I ever bawled like this, especially with the constant wailing. I thought back to the death of each of my parents and my friend who was to be the best man at my wedding. I sobbed quite a bit at all of their passings, but at least I felt I was in control of my emotions and body. I had no idea my body could produce that much snot. After it was all over, I felt exhausted and had a terrible headache. The next day I just couldn’t bring myself to work. All I wanted to do was lie down. I didn’t want to sleep, I just wanted time to think and make time fast forward because time is the only for sure thing that helps with healing. I bawled for a long time that day as well, but it wasn’t as intense and drawn out. Right now I just feel hollow and constantly have knots in my stomach. But at the height of it, I seriously contemplated how does one check him or herself into the hospital and go about seeking some professional help. Then, last night, just playing the board game Life with my family, it struck me again. BoyGeeding first noticed it and stated in a calm voice that I looked frustrated and sad. I had to cut the game short and as soon as I walked in the bedroom I broke down again. It was awkward as they kissed me goodnight, both were teary and worried about me, and it’s hard to assure them that everything is going to be okay when you yourself wonder if you’ll ever get out of this funk.
There’s no single event which triggered this. I think it’s a collection of things which relate to my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity which continues to mount. Right now I think I just really need the support and encouragement of my immediate family. I’ve been wanting to make posts to feel some normalcy in my life, but my mind just gets clouded and frustration builds. So, that’s the reason why I haven’t posted in a while and the reason you won’t see any posts in the near future. I still want to keep this thing up and running, so I’ll be back, I’m just not sure when, maybe mid to late January.