Walking On

A few of you were nice enough to email me with a bit of encouragement regarding the anniversary of my mother’s death.  Rather than reply back to all of you, I just thought I would post about the day.

Most of the day was just a regular day, but I did have in the back of my mind that her time of death was 5:30 PM.  For some reason I just remember those sort of things.  I spent part of the day visiting SisterGeeding as she recovers from her tonsillectomy, and then headed home to finish some work on an evaluation and then get ready for a friend’s birthday dinner. 

As I was working on the evaluation I decided that I needed some background noise, so I popped in the U2 Go Home Live From Slane Castle, Ireland DVD.  I think that’s my favorite concert DVD since they are at home playing outdoors in front of a gigantic crowd – you can feel the emotion. 

As it got closer to 5:30 PM, my emotions started to get to me as I remember the past year with her passing, the trip to Vietnam, and other ups and downs of past 365 days relating to her death.  I remember the first anniversary of my father’s death and recalled how I wanted to be alone in the batting cages when the time hit to relieve tension.  This time I decided that I was going to go in the back yard and spend some time with God.

I thought the timing of the end of the DVD was quite interesting as it was going to finish around 5:25 PM.  The last performance on that DVD really got to me.  U2 ended that concert with a song called Walk On, which Bono dedicated to his recently departed father.  It was a song that was played a lot on the radio after 9/11 and you can find the lyrics to the song here and watch the video below.

suitcaseheartu2.jpgThe beginning of the song talks about love and how love is the only thing you can pack up to take to heaven.  There’s even a nice graphic during the song of a suit case with a heart on it.  For some reason that really spoke out to me and made me think how I really needed to express love to others around me all of the time.  Not in a Ned Flanders sort of way, but you know.

Then some the lyrics started to reach out to me:

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

You gotta leave it behind . . .

I know that no matter what I will still grieve, but I just kind of felt that it was time for me to pick up the pieces, to start living life again, to simply learn from but leave the past and walk on.  I’m starting to find comfort in that God’s timing is perfect and I may be a bit selfish in wanting her around.  In the months before she past Lupus devastated her body and caused her to have renel failure and to have to endure dialysis as she was already suffering from chronic back pain and osteoporosis.  She was in the hospital for several months that past year, had a round or two of chemo, and if I recall she weighed around 75 lbs.  I wanted to have her around to provide that motherly comfort and I so wanted to make her a grandmother, to see her hold her own grandchild.  But now I have accepted that she is in a much better place with no pain and no worries.

Then I heard Bono ad-lib a bit towards the end of the song as he shouted, “You look so beautiful.  The Spirit is in the house, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah.”

I know he meant that the Holy Spirit was present, but I just started to think how my mother’s spirit is with me in my house.  I know her spirit is in Heaven and not floating around in the house, but I guess I mean more in the sense that her spirit of love and kindness and her overall influence and all they ways she has made me into who I am is in the house and is with me.  It was comforting knowing this as I’m still a little bothered walking by their stair case every day.  It made me understand that love can conquer all.

I know I may be a bit kooky for thinking like this, but it’s helping me cope. 

Time for me to walk on and leave it behind and embrace the future.  I’m thankful that God gave her to me for the time that He did.

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