To: Jake Plummer
In this topsy-turvy world there are few things all mankind can agree on. The sun is good, killing is bad and Jake Plummer has the most amazing mustache in the history of bewhiskered upper-lips. But, sadly, Plummer shaved said mustache late last week in a move that not only betrays all fashion sense, but also the entire United States of America.
Jake Plummer, please bring the mustache back. We, your countrymen and women, need it. Two hurricanes, rising gas prices and political divisiveness have torn our country apart. With your mustache, maybe we can begin the long process of healing. Without it, Jake, we as a society are doomed.
Sincerely,