Funny Flight Announcements
1. “I’m sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!”
2. “We’ll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on.”
3. “Welcome aboard Southwest, to operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
5. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
6. “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
7. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
8. “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
10. “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
12. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal.”
13. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
Why this website has not been updated
Some of these reasons may or may not be true . . .
- Breastfeeding class ran much longer than anticipated
- A do-it-yourself project run a muck
- I can’t stop watching Fox News
- I got caught up filling out my NCAA brackets
- I’m busy loading Texas Stadium up with dynamite
- I just can’t stop putting the latest Glenn Beck book down – it’s a real page turner
- I’m stuck at an all you can eat buffet
- I’m still traumatized from watching birth videos
- I’m lost in IKEA and can’t find my way out
- I’m traveling to the Corey Haim funeral
- I’m helping another fellow half-Asian work on his comeback to golf
Feel free to add your own reason.
Bag of Randomness
- Yesterday I had lunch with a gay pagan priest who passed out, threw up, and whom I had to drive home.
- A little context to that last sentence . . . Two of my former coworkers have just landed contracting gigs at my current place of employment and wanted to do lunch. One them is a female, and the other is a guy that just happens to be Wiccan priest who is happens to be gay.
- All through lunch he wasn’t feeling well, clammy is how he described it, and towards the end he left the table early to catch some fresh air. While he was sitting on some patio furniture where the outside dining is set up, he passed out as our other coworker arrived, and when he came to he vomited on the table and his leg.
- Lucky me, I drove all of us to lunch.
- As he got his bearings, I volunteered to drive him home. I just didn’t know that I would be driving from the middle of Dallas to Fort Worth.
- Yesterday on The Ticket they mentioned in the history of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament that the state of Texas has sent a total of 23 teams – more than any other state and only one championship to show for it, Texas Western, which is now UTEP. I was surprised to hear that little ol’ Hardin-Simmons has even make the tourney, and even more surprised that someone from The Ticket actually went there, that someone being Jerr, but I don’t know his full name or when he attended.
- I looked at the HSU media guide and couldn’t find when they made the tourney, but did find a picture of a former roommate on page 26.
- However, I looked at AllBrackets.com and discovered that HSU was eliminated in the first round to Santa Clara in 1953 and also eliminated to Idaho State in 1957.
- HSU’s current president was the president when I attended. He left, came back as chancellor, and then accepted the president role again somewhat recently. I find it amazing that he’s a Democrat in that atmosphere. Well, at least he was a Democrat when he served in the Texas House of Representatives.
- I remember once being ticked-off at the president when I was a student, so much so I wrote him a very stern letter. The next day I got a call from his office and asked if I could come in for a meeting with him. At that point, I was beyond terrified, but when we met he treated me with grace and respect.
- From the media guide I also learned that total enrollment is 2,435 (1,997 undergraduate, 438 graduate) and that the student to teacher ration is 13:1.
- I love using keyboard shortcuts.
- I just met a guy whose real name is Gotham.
- I think I have only seen one Cher move – Mask.
- Yesterday was soooo busy I didn’t even have enough time to squeeze in LOST.
U2 call rural craftsman to repair broken Grammy
A rural craftsman was amazed when international rock stars U2 phoned him and asked him to repair their broken Grammy award.
The trophy – awarded for the band’s 1987 album The Joshua Tree – had split into three pieces including the gramophone horn.
So the band’s managers simply searched “trophy craftsmen” online and found Stuart Allcock, who runs a small shop in Taunton, Somerset.
Mr Allcock said he felt ”dizzy” to receive the call but was disappointed to discover the award was made of cheap cast iron that was sprayed gold.
Shortomatic
If you ever wanted to design your own swim shorts, then here you go: www.shortomatic.com
America’s Craziest Cities
For these crazy times, The Daily Beast decided to rank America’s craziest cities—more specifically, the 57 largest metropolitan areas—using four criteria: psychiatrists per capita, stress, eccentricity and drinking levels.
Here’s the top ten and other Texas notables:
1. Cincinnati
2. San Francisco
3. Providence
4. Milwaukee
5. Las Vegas
6. Philadelphia
7. New York City
8. Tucson
9. San Antonio
10. New Orleans
12. Austin
38. Dallas
49. Houston
56. Fort Worth
I think Mineral Wells would have come in somewhere in the 60’s.
Bag of Randomness
- Got the Census in the mail yesterday.
- I still have never filled out an NCAA basketball bracket and I’m not sure why.
- I haven’t tried Chatroulette, and I don’t have any desire to try it.
- Honestly, I haven’t watched any of the Terminator movies as of late, but could all the run-away Toyotas be the start of the machines starting to take over?
- I watched the first episode of The Pacific again.
- I miss being able to have a spring break.
- The Monday after the time change is a drag.
- WifeGeeding’s favorite flowers are tulips and she can’t stand carnations.
- It’s time to order her some carnations.
- I have a friend that had some damage done to his shoulder and he elected to have surgery to relieve the pain only to find out that insurance would not cover it. He’s been fighting with insurance for about a year.
- My dad once told me that once you finish work on Monday, half the week is over.
- My lips sure have been chapped as of late.
- And my eyes have been red and itchy.
- Ahhh, the French – How not to pin an award to a lady
- An extremely beautiful picture of a Yosemite waterfall – it looks like it’s on fire.
- Theses first two pictures from The Big Picture are visually stunning.
- Time Warner is offering a super fast Internet access for a pretty good price.
- Impersonating a military hero is a low thing to do.
- She’s determined to be the world’s fattest woman
- IKEA gets creative and advertises in the subway
Very Epic American History
During a hurricane George Washington fights a tiger on a sinking boat.
Now that’s a Founding Father.
I don’t think I want a lynx for a pet
But this lamb on the otherhand, that’s a different story . . .
No Can Haz Cheesburger
A homeless Gastonia man who allegedly hoisted a sign reading, “I’m thinking of a cheeseburger,” near an interstate off-ramp was charged with violating the city begging ordinance.
Michael Francis McLaughlin, 48, held the cardboard sign on the 500 block of Cox Road near I-85 Friday evening, Gastonia Police Officer J.K. Sarratt wrote on a misdemeanor criminal citation.
Gastonia City Ordinance 5-17 makes it unlawful for anyone to beg or offer to work for money or other compensation by “accosting one another or forcing oneself upon the company of another.” The citation did not state whether McLaughlin had been approaching vehicles.
McLaughlin was charged with unlawful solicitation under the city ordinance and was jailed under a $500 secured bond.
Tropicana Lights Up The Arctic
Juice brand Tropicana wanted to highlight the fact that it played an important role in the morning ritual of millions of Canadians, to coincide with the launch of its newest juice, Tropicana Essentials, with added calcium and vitamin D.
The brand wanted to elevate its role beyond simply being a brand of orange juice and increase loyalty amongst its consumers and become Canada’s National Provider of Brighter Mornings.
In order to do this, Tropicana spent a month in Inuvik, one of the country’s northernmost towns, during the coldest and darkest days of the winter. The 3,500 residents of the Arctic town in the Northwest Territories live without a sunrise for several weeks every winter. Tropicana literally brought a brighter morning to Inuvik with a giant artificial sun that emitted 100,000 lumens of light. A team of Canadian filmmakers captured the raising of the ’sun’ in Inuvik for a series of documentary-style commercials.
The lights were affixed to a 36-foot wide helium balloon which then rose and illuminated the town. The Tropicana Brand’s ’sunrise’ coincided with Inuvik’s annual Sunrise Festival, which celebrates the return of sunlight after weeks of relative darkness.
The brand also provided 1,200 free cartons of Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice – one for every household in the community.
God Cares
A new Canadian study sheds light on why: the vast majority of Americans believe God is directly concerned with their personal affairs, with most assuming a divine reason for everything from job promotions to speeding tickets.
“In American culture — much less so in Canada — there’s a really constant flow of God-talk that references these small, personal interactions. It’s almost like a self-absorbed view of divine will,” says study author Scott Schieman, a professor of sociology at the University of Toronto.
“The extent that it’s so visible, almost saturating the culture at times, makes me think it’s not just metaphor or symbolism; many, many people believe these processes are real.”
Eight in 10 Americans say they depend on God for decision-making guidance.
Seven in 10 believe that when good or bad things happen, the occurrences are part of God’s plan.
And six in 10 believe God has set the course of their lives.
The study, published in the March issue of the journal Sociology of Religion, is generating considerable buzz online — much of it linked to Schieman’s finding that a third of Americans agree with the rather defeatist statement: “There’s no sense in planning a lot because ultimately my fate is in God’s hands.”
Woman who died alone while fasting was following God’s call, husband says
BARTOW — Evelyn Boyd was on a mission to pray — for her husband, her church, her city, the nation and the president.
So on Feb. 7, she locked herself in a bedroom to pray and fast. She brought water and prayer requests and told her husband not to bother her.
“This is what I have to do,” she told him.
For more than three weeks, Boyd, 55, didn’t emerge. Her family could have come to her aid if she needed help, but her husband wanted to respect her wish to be alone. He figured she’d be okay, just like the last four times she fasted.
But on the 26th day, family members forced the door open. They found her dead.
The Polk County Sheriff’s Office says it appears she died because of the fast. Deputies don’t plan to file charges because they believe she fasted willingly and her family said she was mentally sound, Sheriff Grady Judd said.
