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SANTA’S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) – An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa’s Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas’ celebrations. “The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes,” Mr. Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:

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Barbara Walters recently criticized a Christmas card she received from the White House this year for featuring a seven-line scripture from the Bible.

The card, signed by the President and Mrs. Bush, was among a small stack of Christmas cards showcased by Walters on last Thursday’s episode of ABC’s “The View.”

“Usually in the past when I have received a Christmas card, it’s been ‘Happy Holidays’ and so on,” said Walters.

But the veteran anchor expressed dismay that President Bush and the First Lady would send out a “religious Christmas card” with a direct Bible verse from the Old Testament printed inside:

“You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.”

After reading the scriptural message of the card, Walters asked in a critical tone, “Does this also go to agnostics, and atheists, and Muslims?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little interesting,” continued Walters in her questioning, “that the president of all the people is sending out a religious Christmas card?”

The card, which was paid for by the Republican National Committee, closes: “May the joy of all creation fill your heart this blessed season 2007.”

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Staff at the Hermitage Hotel in Mount Cook were called to her room after the guest complained she couldn’t get her pizza out of the microwave oven. When puzzled housekeepers visited the $300-a-night room to investigate, they discovered she had put the pizza in a personal safe and activated the airtight lock on the vault.

“We were just down the corridor and she came out and asked us if we could help her work the microwave,” executive housekeeper Annabel Fafeita said.

“She was staying in one of our most expensive rooms, which have no kitchen facilities, so we assumed she’d bought her own microwave with her and went to see what we could do.

“We got there and told her politely, `I’m sorry, but that’s not a microwave it’s the safe!’

“It took a while for it to sink in.”

Because the guest, aged in her mid-40s, had entered random numbers on the safe’s keypad while trying to cook the pizza, housekeepers had problems cracking the code.

“In the end we had to track down the man who has the master codes for the safe, so we could get it open and get the pizza out,” Fafeita said.

“No guest wants to check into a room and find a defrosted mouldy pizza sitting in their safe.

“It took us about two hours before we managed to get that safe open.”

Fafeita said that while she’d seen some odd hotel-room food preparation, the pizza in the vault was by far the strangest.

“You see all sorts of things that guests try and do,” she said.

“We often open up the kettles to find someone has tried to cook their package of instant noodles straight in the jug, but I never thought someone would try to cook a pizza in the safe.

“That’s going to be tough to beat!”

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