Imperial Stormtrooper Arrest Santa, Emperor to Take Over Christmas

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SANTA’S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) – An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa’s Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas’ celebrations. “The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes,” Mr. Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:

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Barbara Walters Criticizes White House Biblical Christmas Card

Barbara Walters recently criticized a Christmas card she received from the White House this year for featuring a seven-line scripture from the Bible.

The card, signed by the President and Mrs. Bush, was among a small stack of Christmas cards showcased by Walters on last Thursday’s episode of ABC’s “The View.”

“Usually in the past when I have received a Christmas card, it’s been ‘Happy Holidays’ and so on,” said Walters.

But the veteran anchor expressed dismay that President Bush and the First Lady would send out a “religious Christmas card” with a direct Bible verse from the Old Testament printed inside:

“You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.”

After reading the scriptural message of the card, Walters asked in a critical tone, “Does this also go to agnostics, and atheists, and Muslims?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little interesting,” continued Walters in her questioning, “that the president of all the people is sending out a religious Christmas card?”

The card, which was paid for by the Republican National Committee, closes: “May the joy of all creation fill your heart this blessed season 2007.”

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