I’ve been dragging my feet on renewing the hosting services of this website which is due to expire on Dec. 3, 2017. My heart hasn’t been into as of late and I used to make enough advertising revenue each year to almost break even. When I started this thing I didn’t have kids or other responsibilities and it was a great way to keep me entertained. In some ways, it helped me find myself. Now, it’s a bit of a burden. A lot of that was revealed to me when reading the article at the bottom of this post. Looking at the stats, I average 378 unique visitors a day, so I might still have a small audience, but in today’s world, I don’t know if those are spam bots or whatnot. In my prime, I was somewhere between 2,000 – 4,000 but can’t really remember. This blog has allowed me to broaden my perspective by being exposed to differing views and making new friends, some I have personally met from places like New York, Canada, Europe, and even Cleburn. I’ve felt this way before, and usually right when I want to call it quits something pulls me back in. For instance, yesterday someone left a comment stating he was friends with my father and served with him at Fort Wolters.
“I as [sic] a Lt was stationed at Ft Wolters in the early 60s – one of my friends at the 864th engineers was WO Geeding.”
The comment was made yesterday but it was placed on an old May 2016 post which didn’t reference anything about my father or Fort Wolters, so that’s a little odd.
I thought all my father’s friends and anyone who may have served with him were dead. Remember, Dad was born in 1923.
I’m reaching out to him. There’s a lot I’d like to know. Remember, Dad had me late in life, he was 52 when I was born. I only knew my father as an older man and really knew nothing about his military career, he retired in 1968, I believe. I’ve heard stories of what my father was like during that time in his life from an older cousin, but that’s family, so it’s biased. I wonder if others thought my father was nice, funny, mean, professional, and I’m sure there may be things I really don’t want to know.
Since I’m talking about family, I might as well confess to something and admit a lie. Well, maybe it’s not a lie, it’s just I didn’t really know the truth until now – I’m not half-Asian. I’ve scratched the genealogy itch here and there and took an Ancestry.com DNA test. I’ve been sitting on this for about a month, and truth be told . . . I’m only 40% Asian. I’m not really the half-Asian I claimed to be. I’ve misled you, and for that, I’m sorry.
Bob and Dan of The TICKET did a Reddit Ask Me Anything and answered questions live on air. Two of my questions were answered, one of them actually started the segment. Even though Bob answered my second question I think Dan forgot since Bob got longwinded with his answer.
I read this Dallas Morning News article yesterday- How Gordon Keith made peace with his grief. If you’ve lost a parent, you’ll really connect with it. If you don’t have time to read the whole thing I put the parts I connected with the most. Funny thing, I would have forgotten today is the anniversary of MomGeeding’s death if it wasn’t for this article. Damn, eleven years sure does fly by.
My chief enemy that keeps me from writing has always been me. And when my parents died, the sharp edges of my mind just got worn off and I became dulled. I couldn’t think and therefore I couldn’t write. That’s what depression iswhen it becomes a herculean effort to do anything.
Something you find out about grief is that one of the unintended injuries is you end up having to be the therapist for the other person’s grief. They want to help you, to feel useful to you. In return, you have to make sure you are making the consolers feel that they were helpful. And that depletes you.
In all my investigations, including the ones after my parents’ death, it feels like life does just boil down to the Serenity Prayer. It’s comprehensive and up in cross-stitch in everybody’s home. But if you want to know how to live a happy life, read the Serenity Prayer and learn how to be in the moment. Those two things cover it all.
But when you are post-parent-death, that earlier part dies too and you are born again.
I started letting go of things I used to feeling so attached to. Belongings began to feel like a big sack of rocks that got too heavy if I had to drag it all with me – whether physical objects or emotional ones.
You spend the first half of your life trying to build a Big Life and then it’s the Big Life that breaks your shoulders. So I find myself craving a simple life, which is probably not great for a career. But I just want to do something that’s meaningful.
But it’s amazing how much energy I will expend to avoid doing what I’m supposed to do. Whether it’s writing 800 words or disposing of a Diet Coke can. If I’d just do it, I’d feel so much better on the other side.