1. “I’m sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!”

2. “We’ll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on.”

3. “Welcome aboard Southwest, to operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

5. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

6. “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

7. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

8. “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

10. “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal.”

13. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”